Part 226: Chapter the Twelfth: You can never go home again.

Chapter the Twelfth: You can't go home again.
May 13, 2028



14:40 Welcome to the Guardians Minute By Minute Coverage of the 2028 FA Cup! I am Prunella Trickelbank, and I am just as excited as you for this matchup of giant versus minnow, between the mighty Red Dragons of Wales and the Lads of odd little Tackleford in West Yorkshire.

14:50 Everything has come full circle for Wrexham manager Scott Brown, facing off against the team that gave him his start in professional soccer as an untested, unknown American. But how times have changed since the two clubs parted ways.

Over the first couple of years it seemed that Tackleford might be well rid of Brown, as they earned back to back promotions after his sacking. But while most any supporter would find going from the Conference Regional to the Championship and the FA Cup Final in under 15 years a record of accomplishment that would be hard to top, the people of Tackleford are forced to wonder about the one that got away in light of Brown's steering Wrexham up from obscurity to global dominance in a rise that might well be rarer than merely once in a lifetime. Wrexham now seek their third FA Cup of the past eight years and their third double in a row, and should they win they will test with Juventus for their second triple in three years, an unprecedented feat.

14:55 Wrexham's coming out in the Pyramid, a sign of either confidence or arrogance on the part of Brown. Longtime Wrexham man Scott Shirra is on the bench, who knows whether he's there as a late sub or as a piece of misdirection from the American manager.
Starting XI: Kojiro Minami, Dramane Tounkara, Ed Hammatt, Kamel Zouaghi, Callum Allan, Matthias Laux, Rodrigo Moctezuma, Isaac Stringel, Ellis Rickard, Thiago, and captain Mateo Mujkic.
On the Bench: Lajos Kocsis, James Loseille, Justin Bailey, Scott Shirra. Kristian Bale, Claus Damgaard, Jacob Lundbye.

14:57 Tackleford are choosing to go with a flat 4-4-2 to counter the Pyramid, we'll have to see how effective they are.
Starting XI: Craig Dunn, Willie MacLellan, Gioele Folini, Francis Baillie, Warren Marks, Shane Coombes, Carl Foley, Dave Cracknell, captain James Scannell, Lorenzo Dessena, Anthony Vella.
On the Bench: James Colbeck, David Embery, Scott Frampton, Callum Severin, Gavin Burgess, Jan Kocourek, Keith Jukes.



14:59 We're just moments from kickoff here, as the players take the pitch under the Wembley lights. Both sides seem eager to get things going. Oddly, I have a text message from a “Scott Brown” that claims Wrexham will score in the second minute. Change my vote from confidence to arrogance if that's actually him, I'd say.

1' And we're off! Almost immediately Tackleford win a free kick just over the midfield line on a foul from Matthias Laux, but Wrexham pack the box and easily clear. The Red Dragons immediately launch a counter attack, with Moctezuma threading the ball up to Mujkic, who sees his cross blocked and sent across the byline by MacLellan for the first corner of the day.

2' GOAL! Wrexham 1, Tackleford 0!

3' Tackleford couldn't have asked for a worse start! Tounkara rises above MacLellan to reach the high cross and nods it on to Ed Hammatt at the near post. The big English defender is unmarked and finishes with his foot to put Wrexham on top after ninety seconds!

3' Wrexham doesn't look like they're going to let up the pressure after the early goal, and get themselves a throw-in when Thiago makes centerback Gioeli Folini nervous enough to clear the ball into touch.

5' Thiago finds himself dispossessed by a man in a purple kit, and the underdogs race upfield with numbers. The Tackleford counter-attack comes to naught with an off target blast, though. Goal kick to Wrexham.

6' Almost another goal for Wrexham, but after a nice bit of possession leaves Mujkic clear in the box he sends the shot just over the bar. Tackleford quickly counter again, and this time their shot is on target but tame and easily handled by a well positioned Minami.

9' A foul on Rodrigo Moctezuma by Warren Marks leads to a free kick by the always dangerous Thiago, but rather than aim for net from 25 yards out he passes across to Ellis Rickard at the far post. Rickard's volley is on target, but Craig Dunn is there to handle the effort.

11' There's a second text from whoever's claiming to be Coach Brown. All it says is “And another.” What does that mean?

12' GOAL! Wrexham 2, Tackleford 0!

13' A bit of open play after a Tackleford free kick at the other end of the pitch leaves enough room for Kamel Zouaghi to loft a beautiful pass to Ellis Rickard at the edge of the area. The strapping young lad looks up and sees Mujkic cutting in ahead of him and immediately moves the ball along to give the Australian a wide open shot. Truly abysmal defending by Tackleford's Francis Baillie kept the Meteor onside as three forwards rushed into the penalty box, and he's hearing jeers from the Wrexham stands.

13' I have a third text. It reads “AND ANOTHER”-

13' GOAL! Wrexham 3, Tackleford 0!

14' The hits just keep coming! After a quickly thwarted venture into Wrexham territory by Tackleford on the kickoff the Red Dragons steam right back upfield. This goal was all the work of Thiago, who dribbled past three Tackleford men before sending a perfect ball to Isaac Stringel. All the Mexican striker had to do was turn and shoot, and Tackleford's goose looks well and truly cooked before we reach the quarter-hour.

15' More on those strange texts. Here's a slightly longer one. “Hello Ms. Trickelbank. I arranged for these missives to be sent to you in order that I might declaim that I knew the result of this match before we even stepped onto this pitch. Today marks my ascendancy to the Heavens via the offering of those fatuous fools in Tackleford, who consigned themselves to this fate when they threw away the one chance their one-horse town ever had at glory. I'll be in touch after our next goal, which should come in a minute.”

16' GOAL! Wrexham 4, Tackleford 0!

18' I'm sorry, I needed a moment to compose myself after this flurry of goals and these messages from "Scott Brown"! Another Wrexham goal in short succession, this time it's American wonderkid Rodrigo Moctezuma providing the dazzle preceding a precise Stringel finish. Tackleford look helpless to cope with Wrexham at the moment. And I have another text here from “Scott Brown” claiming that “The proof is now evident. The world awakens to my ascendancy, and all behold my terrible glory.”

19' Give Tackleford this much, they're still pushing forward and trying to get back into the match. I can't think that's likely to happen the way things have gone so far, however.

21' I've been going over the footage from the live camera feeds, and there is no evidence that Mr. Brown has any sort of mobile device on him. He was speaking to his players with his hands out in the open when at least some of the texts were sent, and our amateur lip readers say that he doesn't seem to be using a text to speech software. We've also confirmed that the texts are coming from his actual private number, so regardless of whether this is a prank or he's somehow attained Godhood he's definitely in on it. I'm still confused, how could whoever it is sending the messages know Wrexham would score before it happened in real life?

24' It's not only "Scott Brown" sending messages to your humble correspondent, there's others who want to make their voices heard. Eustace Boyce of Tackleford has commented “It's in incredibly poor form for the world famous coach of a big club like Wrexham to take part in temporal shenanigans when playing a small club like ours. It's not our fault that Wrexham is a Ferrari and we're a Yugo.”

25' Every sally by Tackleford is being smothered by the tireless work of Ed Hammatt and Dramane Tounkara, who are putting on a tackling clinic today. On the other side Wrexham has threatened to score again, but Thiago and Mateo Mujkic have both found themselves offside on the occasions where they've found daylight.

26' As I write the last update Mujkic runs around the hapless MacLellan and puts a dangerous ball across the front of the net, but no one is there to tap in a fifth goal.

28' We could see our first yellow of the day, against Kamel Zouaghi for tripping Anthony Vella, but the referee keeps the cards in his pocket and appears happy to let boys be boys.

31' Tackleford right fullback Willie MacLellan's day just gets worse. After having been involved in allowing two Wrexham goals he gives up a dangerous free kick to the Meteor and is fortunate to avoid a card. He's also fortunate that Wrexham does nothing with the free kick.

33' We've received another communique. It reads simply “Corner kick by Mujkic to the near post. Hammatt goal. 35th minute. Look for me after the celebration if your heart yet harbors doubt.”

34' It's the very end of the minute and Wrexham has just won a corner...

35' GOAL! Wrexham 5, Tackleford 0, Potentially omniscient God-King 1!

35' It happened just as prophecied! And as the camera shifts to the technical area Scott Brown is staring directly into it from across the pitch, nodding and grim of visage like an ancient god of vengeance!

37' H.A.W.K.I.N.G., the experimental consciousness-transfer of Stephen Hawking, has taken time from pondering the cosmos to throw cold water on the idea that Scott Brown is a being beyond our ken of time and space. It broadcasts “Puny humans. So quick to believe the unbelievable. Scott Brown having such great weight in the sport of football that we all edge closer to his event horizon each day is only a metaphor. No method of manipulating the fourth dimension has been proven practicable.”

38' In less cosmologically unsettled matters Tackleford pulled striker Lorenzo Dessana for midfielder Scott Frampton after that last goal as they seek to staunch the bleeding. To this point Tackleford have managed less than 20% possession. Wrexham's possession advantage has come at the price of yellow cards for Matthias Laux and Dramane Tounkara, both in the past minute.

41' Tackleford have been reduced to playing long balls over the top, and we've just seen one of their players boom a free kick from their half of the field beyond everyone and over the byline without ever posing the least bit of a threat for the third time today.

43' Tackleford's beleaguered defense has gotten some rest as they've finally held onto the ball for more than 20 seconds consecutively and are able to spend some time in Wrexham's half, but nothing comes of it.

45'+1 The Red Dragons spend the final minutes of the half reestablishing their possession of the ball, but their best chance for a stunning sixth goal is parried by Craig Dunn with a minute remaining. I can see masses of Tackleford fans making for the concourse, but whether that's to beat the rush to the loo and concessions or to flee in humiliation I can't be sure.

45'+1 And that's it for a first half that's not only been all Wrexham but has possibly also proven the existence of time travel. Halftime thoughts in a jiff.

Halftime Thoughts: Wrexham is firmly in control of this match and the only question remaining is whether Tackleford embarrass themselves further and tie or set the record for worst defeat in the FA Cup final, which I've been informed belongs to Derby County courtesy a six-nil thrashing by Bury all the way back in 1903.

Well, that and what the hell is going on with those messages that purport to be from Scott Brown and which has uncannily predicted “his” club's goals.

46' Wrexham get the second half underway. They're still in the Pyramid and their coach is pacing the technical area like a caged great cat. A mountain lion, perhaps. Or a cougar. Definitely not a catamount or a puma. He wants more, is what I'm saying.

47' A Thiago free kick is briefly loose in the Tackleford penalty area, but the Lads are able to clear it out before any harm can be done.

48' I've just been informed by the Sierra Club twitter feed that mountain lions, cougars, catamounts, and pumas are all the same animal, Puma concolor. Panthers are different, though, right? Also, who knew that the Sierra Club loved football?

49' A sign of life from Tackleford, as a well timed challenge by MacLellan on Mujkic leads to a counter attack that ends only when Carl Foley sends his shot buzzing over the crossbar. They've looked far better since switching to a five midfielder arrangement, but that's admittedly faint praise given what happened before then. A goal would be a just result for their play over the last fifteen minutes.

53' We have a message from a B.S. in the fax hopper... I didn't realize that ancient thing was even plugged in. It looks as if it was composed on a typewriter, and reads “Of course Scott Brown is capable of time travel. How do you think he was able to defeat the greatest manager of all time, who recently retired after winning yet another Champions League trophy three years ago. It certainly wasn't his knack for tactics that got him there. No, time travel is the only possibility as to how he could have beaten the incomparable Bruno Santos.”

54' Nasty challenge on Ellis Rickard at midfield by Gioele Folini, who came in straight from behind with his studs up on a player that has already suffered two serious lower-body injuries this season. That's certain to be a card, the only question is what color.

55' It's red! He's off! And Folini is not happy, getting right in the referee's face to tell him exactly what he thinks of that decision as his teammates have to drag him away! After twenty minutes of competent play the boys from West Yorkshire will now once again be on the back foot. Tackleford brings on David Embery to replace the furious Folini, while Ellis Rickard will be spending some time being looked over by the Wrexham physio and may have to come out of the match.

56' Another text from the manager unstuck in time, who assures us that Rickard will be fit to continue the match after a few minutes.

58' Tackleford have a chance at a shorthanded goal when their canny captain James Scannell nutmegs Dramane Tounkara and stands off of the near post with only Minami to beat, but the six year Tackleford man blasts his effort into the side netting.

59' Matthias Laux is making his way off the pitch for the young Kristian Bale. Whether this is because Brown is pushing for more goals or because he simply didn't want to risk a second yellow for Laux is unclear at the moment.

61' Tackleford counters with their final substitution, bringing on Gavin Burgess to replace Anthony Vella at striker in the hopes that fresh legs can prevent a shutout and provide a consolation goal to fans who travelled so far to witness their team's Cup dreams go up in smoke in the first twenty minutes.

62' Wrexham are increasing the pressure as play continues, and Tackleford is forced to drop all ten men behind the ball in an effort to keep from conceding again.

64' Craig Dunn is makes a leaping save to prevent a sixth goal, he flew through the air and only just got his fingers on the ball to force it over the net. He's played as well as you can when allowing five goals in an hour.

68' The game has ground to a halt over the last three minutes as no fewer than five free kicks have been given due to fouls in the midfield. The last of these sees Mateo Mujkic earn a card for his part in causing the slowdown.

70' Nate Silver has commented that it's possible that Brown isn't actually traveling time, but merely predicting what will happen based upon current data. He then rubbishes that notion by noting how much data Brown would need to make such accurate predictions, and that it would imply that we live in a deterministic universe, that free will was a myth, and that everything we ever do, think, or feel was decided eons before our birth. He closes by stating that he believes Scott Brown is a time traveler.

72' Rickard has another effort, but it sails just wide of the goal. Thiago follows with a header that's saved a minute later. Those are the only recent signs that this match will be more than free kicks for the final twenty minutes.

75' Wrexham's players seems content to let the string play out as Thiago backpasses on a free kick that he'd usually try to put on net. Just before the free kick the battered and bruised Ellis Rickard was removed for Jacob Lundbye, as it appears Brown, contra his players, still wants to see more goals.

76' Tackleford won't be able to claim that all of the referee's decisions went against them, as Scott Frampton gets away with a clear penalty on Isaac Stringel. The Wrexham players don't put up much of a fuss, but on the sideline Scott Brown is apoplectic.

77' James Scannell gets free down the left side of the pitch for a second time, but on this occasion Tounkara is able to race back and prevent him from getting a shot away.

80' Gavin Burgess and his fresh legs stride towards the Wrexham goal at pace and with the best scoring chance Tackleford has had all day, but Ed Hammatt somehow tracks him down, gets in front of him, and makes an inch perfect tackle moments before Burgess reaches the penalty area. Just an incredible play by Hammatt, who's been masterful at both ends of the pitch. It's thanks to him and Tounkara that Wrexham hasn't coughed up the clean sheet despite their man advantage.

82' Another mysterious message from beyond human understanding? But this one is more cryptic than the previous ones: “This is for November 24, 2015, you bastards. Suffer as I suffered, but with the knowledge that you will never have the opportunity to repay this injury in kind.”

83' GOAL! Wrexham 6, Tackleford 0!

84' Wrexham's present and future are working in concert. The 125 year old record for biggest margin of victory in a FA Cup final is matched thanks to a masterful chip of the keeper by Meteor Mujkic after sixteen year old Jacob Lundbye delivers a lovely ball that skips across the grass between two defenders, and the crowd here is rapturous in their ovation.

85' Mujkic almost scores again in the same minute, but Craig Dunn is able to corral this one. Then Stringel has a chance of his own for a hat trick, but his shot from the near post is into Dunn's legs and goes behind for a corner.

87' The Red Dragons look invigorated by that last goal, and have put two more shots on net since I last spoke of Stringel's chance. While Wrexham is turning on the jets Tackleford looks spent.

89' More chances from Wrexham, and Tackleford are struggling just to clear the ball away at every chance. They know they're beaten and just want to escape without giving up yet another goal.

89' Hold up. One more message has come in. “7-0. I have restored the rightful order. Let any and all who disagree be cast into desolation, with only the false idols of their false nines to comfort them.”

90' GOAL! Wrexham 7, Tackleford 0!

90' Isaac Stringel dragged Carl Foley and Warren Marks along with him as he made a dart for the byline, which left Rodrigo Moctezuma all alone and not a purple jersey within ten yards. Stringel's brisk pass split the two Tackleford men, and Moctezuma roundhoused it into the back of the net. A prettier goal you will seldom see. There will be a mere two minutes of stoppage time, the officials clearly want to wash their hands of this bloodbath.

90'+1 Tackleford finally has a shot from inside the six yard box, but it's an impossible angle and Minami safely holds the ball and prevents any rebound opportunity.

90'+2 The moment the clock strikes two minutes the whistle is blown. The Wrexham fans cheer, the Wrexham players gather at the center circle in joy, and the Wrexham manager stares down the Tackleford players as they hobble off the killing floor, partaking of their misery and suffering with a vicious and unseemly grin on his face.

Full Time Thoughts: The slaughter is over, the players of Tackleford City FC sacrificed to pay for the sins of their predecessors againt an angry God. I looked up the date November 24, 2015. It was the day Tackleford City defeated Wrexham six-nil in a League Two match. It remains unsurpassed as the single worst loss that Wrexham has suffered during all the years Brown has been with the club. It is no wonder that he not only moved heaven and earth but time and space itself to comment on his cold vengeance. One wonders what he'll do for an encore in one week's time against Juventus.

Player of the Match: Any one of Wrexham's players could have come in for this award. Mateo Mujkic, for his two goals and two assists. Rodrigo Moctezuma for being a terror on Tackleford's left flank, scoring and assisting both. Ed Hammatt, for his tireless defensive work and two goals as cherries atop his sundae. But it goes to Isaac Stringel, who roamed far and wide in the attack, running at, around, and through the Tackleford defense as if it weren't there.




Wrexham 7-0 Tackleford



The MBM of our Champions League final will be at the same time tomorrow. And yes, I'm using the Pyramid. If I win, and complete the septuple after using the Pyramid to clinch the Premier League title, win the FA Cup, and win the Champions League, this LP will change forever. If there are no more worlds to conquer I must leave Wrexham.

11am PST/1pm CST/2pm EST/7pm GMT/8pm CET on Thursday, February 26, 2015 is when I shall shake the heavens until it all falls down around me. Be there to see history made or a madman fall.